Baby, I'm like _____

Optimus Nerd is fantastic with comparisons and hyperboles; as an English teacher, I appreciate his colorful speech. I use hyperbolic speech every single day.  And now I hear crickets chirping, but at least I'm laughing on the inside, right?  Oh dear...


Anyway, apparently he sees himself as the heroic protagonist of every film, novel, cartoon, and video game he enjoys.  I often hear sentences that start like this: "Baby, I'm like Sherlock Holmes; I'm brave and quick." or "Baby, I'm like Gotrek; I'm tough."  And that's when I roll my eyes.  Insert groan here. 

But sometimes, he'll include me in the mix.  He must think I feel left out or something, because I hear these lines all the freakin' time: "Baby, you're like the Silk Spectre I to my Comedian."  Unfortunately, I don't always end up as a girl.  He once compared us to Sherlock Holmes and Watson, but he said that was because Rachel McAdams' character was a trampy whore who avoided commitment. (Actually I said that, but he did agree with me). Watson is obviously way more committed.  Clearly.  Hopefully he sees some sort of underlying romantic connection between the two.  


So by now you've all figured out that nerdy bf has a gargantuan sized ego, way bigger than the word "gargantuan."  He sees himself as a hybrid of all sorts of fictional super heros, and other "save-the-day" type male protagonists.  He also sees himself as suave and charismatic, but I will admit that his smooth moves helped sweep me off my feet.   Optimus Nerd is like a gift to all mankind; he's swift like Superman, brave like Batman, and fucking sexy like Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man/Sherlock Holmes.  I bet he'll swoon when he reads this. 

Now don't get me wrong; Mr. Nerdtastic is actually brave, smart, funny, and handsome too. But the comparisons make me chuckle inside every time.  My picture of the stereotypical nerd is awkward and usually of the virgin persuasion.  I see someone with glasses who lives in their parent's basement and can't talk to women.  


I guess I should be thankful my Optimus Nerd is definitely the opposite, and has a healthy ego to boot.  After all, I'm like Mary Poppins; I'm practically perfect in every way. 

Boosh.

I can't air-bend because I won't try.

I'm performing in the teacher talent show at school in two acts this year; I'll be playing the flute and cheering.  Not at the same time, don't you worry.  I've been doing the former for years, but cheer leading is like a foreign language.  Well, not the actual dancing or cheering; I'm OK at that part.  It's the stunting.  I have to help lift a human being up.  Don't you all know that I used to carry a FLUTE around all day.  Not heavy.

Anyway, after complaining to Mr. Nerdtastic about my new task (and after finishing some intense Pilates), he says this: "Well baby, you probably can't air-bend either, but it's because you won't try."


I think he's trying to tell me something through his nerd lingo.  Now I've definitely lost it.  The air-bending advice is pushing me towards more Pilates.  Another teaser is coming my way.

Baby, you're the Katara to my Aang

 Mr. Nerdtastic hates the James Cameron film Avatar for many reasons.  For starters, he abhors James Cameron's seemingly pompous and arrogant personality. But that's not why Nerd Man refused to chuck up $14 dollars to see the film; he refused to see it because of the title.

And here's why!  Avatar: The Last Air Bender is the name of his current cartoon obsession.  It's about the Air, Earth, Fire, and Water nations; these nations are at war, and the Avatar is the only person who can save all of humanity.  But then the old Avatar goes missing; 100 years of war pass by.  Suddenly there's a new Avatar; he's this cute little Air Bender named Aang. 

That's enough plot synopsis; Here's the issue at hand.  There's going to be a live-action Avatar: The Last Air Bender film, but it can't have the word "Avatar" in the title.  Thanks to Cameron, it will simply be called The Last Air Bender.  And thus, nerd-whining has taken over my life.  Just writing about this, has caused Optimus Nerd to rant for at least five minutes.  Now I'm exhausted. 

Anyway, that's his beef.  What makes me laugh or maybe cry is that the boyfriend likes to pretend that he is an Avatar and can air/fire/water/earth-bend.  That means that he can control those elements and spin them around or something. You use these to fight; it's like Moses parting the Red Sea, only some benders can part earth, fire, and wind.  Anyway, these techniques are not real.  But I'm sure you all got that idea already.  

Right now, nerdy bf is pretending to earth-bend because I'm ignoring him.  How needy. He is amusing though, especially since I told him he's not allowed to fire-bend.  It's obviously dangerous; he might burn me!

And now I'm losing it.